Yes I do

Dear Riss,

How kind of you to share with me the services of your omniscient iPod. I would like to ask it a few questions:

1. What will I be when I grow up?

2. Where will Richie and I move after Dental School?

3. Will I have children?

4. How did all this lint get on my pants?

Love,
Cate

Do you have a question you would like to ask my iPod?

Dear Cate,

I have been equally as remiss as you and therefore suspend judgment for any lack of blog updating on your part as long as you promise to do the same for me.

I would like to share something very special with you.

I have an omniscient iPod.

No, really! Remember back in the old days when I had that ghetto cell phone? The only cool thing about it was this gadget on it called “The Mystic Chi.” You were supposed to ask it a question and then it would say something really insightful and deep in response. It had wondrous powers, the Mystic Chi.

Well, I had originally thought that I had lost those powers when I moved on to bigger, better phones. I mean, now I’m among the throngs of smart phone users with my new Blackberry. Yet, even the ability to update my facebook status from virtually anywhere does not make up for the lack of mystical fortune telling powers. I believed that they were lost from me forever.

Then, out of nowhere, I had a hankering to ask a question once only reserved for the fat Buddha-esque man inside my old phone. So, I thought, my iPod has over 10 thousand songs. Songs often have meanings that are insightful and deep. What if I asked my iPod a question and let it answer me in a song? Here are a few questions I asked:

Q: Will I ever get married?

A: “Walking Her Home” by Mark Schultz – a song about a couple that has been married for 60 years. Woah.

Q: Will I finish grad school with a 4.0?

A: “See the Glory” by Steven Curtis Chapman – sounds pretty promising

Q: Will my 1984 themed birthday party be a success?

A: “Every Moment” by Rogue Wave – wow, things are looking good for me.

Q: Will we have a safe trip to Louisiana?

A: “Like a Prayer” by Madonna – Ok… so we’ll have some heavenly protection.

Then I thought, why stop there? Why keep this wonder all to myself? I asked my mom if she had any questions for my iPod. She asked if her stomach would stop hurting. Answer: “Today’s the Day” by America. Nice! Madi asked if she would ever marry Nick Jonas, to which my iPod replied “Sunday Morning” by No Doubt. That one was a little concerning… but maybe it means a Sunday morning in the distant future.

Anyhow, now I offer this service to you because we are best friends. My iPod knows all. See what it can tell you!

Did the distance make your heart grow fonder?

Dear Riss,

My devotion to blogging seems to be lacking luster. Please don't doubt that I'm fully 100% loyal to my commitment to the Good Company Blog. I know I can't just leave it up to you to entertain the masses!!!?? Although you've done quite well over the last two months. But I understand this is a team effort- something to celebrate our friendship and not something I expect you to shoulder on your own. I'm not quite sure why but sometimes I have a hard time coming up with topics to blog about.

Is it because I am not a good writer? I do use a thesaurus sometimes.

Is it because my life is boring? I could blog about how my parents came over for dinner last night so they could pick up the electric toothbrush we ordered for them. Or I could not blog about that. Seems like there is a obvious choice.

Is it because I don't have strong opinions? In general I really don't, unless the issue is something of no real consequence- for example I am a passionate advocate for using letter openers instead of ripping the envelope, and I refuse to eat american cheese.

Is it because I've never watched Jon and Kate + 8?

So many questions. What I just said right there, "So many questions"- reminds me of a t-shirt I used to have when I was little. It said "So many flavors. So little time." It was a Baskin Robbins t-shirt. I always have liked ice cream.

Love,
Cate

p.s. thanks for the eyebrow grooming suggestions but was that a cancer patient in the last picture?

Haikus.

One time we only used haiku form in our email communications with each other for the day. We are way too cool for our own good. Read on below.

Riss:
I’ve decided to
Just communicate haiku
Would you like to join?

At last it's Friday
I thought it would never come
Oh, TGIF

Cate:
Lacking brain power
This is really challenging
But I will play too

Riss:
Hurray, it’s a game!
I welcome the distraction.
Work stresses me out.

Cate:
Wow it is lunch time
This morning was so busy
Brad is at my desk

Riss:
Lunchtime, delicious
What did you decide to eat?
Brad taking you out?

Cate:
I eat here alone
Hard boiled egg and a orange
what are you eating?

Riss:
Had granola bar
Waiting for Bart to take off
He’s here until 1.

Think I’ll grab lunch out
I feel like eating BD’s
Will have a late lunch

Cate:
This orange is sticky
Did you know I am leaving
around 3:30?

Riss:
I did not know that.
What are you going to do?
Bart’s flight got cancelled.

Cate:
It's Corporate Challenge
Kick Off Party is today
Don't want to go ugh

Where was Bart going?
What are your plans this weekend
I miss playing Sims

Riss:
Philadelphia
Had to go to funeral
Morning flight instead

2 more papers left
My house is a disaster
Homework and cleaning

Sims possible Sat.
If I get enough finished
And house straightened up

Cate:
I was just saying
I don't need to play the Sims
killers concert sat

rest of weekend is
full of prep for hawaii
boo for 2 papers

now in other news
all these haikus have gotten
very annoying

Riss:
Haikus annoying?
Definitely not to me.
Proud we’re creative.

I’ve been back an hour
And have not seen either one
I’m feeling left out.

Cate:
do not despair friend
they might not be together
or maybe they are

either way you win
because you are marissa
queen of all haikus

Riss:
They were together.
Went to out to lunch without me
Must have been impulse

Oh well. Could be worse.
I’ll just have to up my game.
I am very tired.

Cate:
I am tired too
let's take a nap together
haha that is weird

Riss:
We’ve done that before
I remember calling mom
And telling her that

“Catharine and I
Are going to take a nap
Together here now”

She didn’t question.
She had learned by then not to.
We are such good friends.

But really you look fine.

Dear Best Friend,

You are so right. I abandoned you in your time of need, after you were so wonderful to me in finding a career.

So, in an attempt to make up for it, I have a variety of eyebrow styles available for you to peruse. Now you can choose the one that is right for you and groom accordingly!

First, a look to prepare you for the red carpet. I chose this because of your background in television fame at Kearney High School. I call it "The Bratz Doll"


Next, may I present to you "The Wooly Willy." This eyebrow set is most complete with a mustache, but I think you can pull it off. It's named after that magnetic drawing toy that they had when we were kids. Remember? The one where you could give facial hair to the bald man using a magnet pen? That was a good time.



If you're looking for more respect at work, then this next eyebrow set is for you. Check out "The Silver Fox." No one would dare question you about your Corporate Challenge planning techniques when you have eyebrows like these.


If you're looking for a lower grooming and maintenance plan, allow me to introduce you to the "Paint By Number" look. In this look, you simply remove that pesky hair and use provided stencils to perfect your brows! And, by what I see here, there's a whole makeup kit!


Of course, the least maintenance at all title belongs to "Au Naturale." This is for the full flavor lady who wants to just be herself.



And finally, for a surprising look that will definitely stand out in the crowd, try "Naked Face." Hair is for people who aren't pretty enough without it.



So there. I've helped you with your eyebrow crisis. Please be my friend again. And help me with my need for adventure.

Love,
Riss

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Gather ‘round and don’t be late
To hear all about Riss & Cate
Their story is quite first rate.

Two young women who are very pretty
College made them smart and witty
But they've moved back home to Kansas City

Each to the friendship brings her own skills
Cate saves her money to pay the bills
And Riss bakes cookies to give men thrills

Cate is married so her life is tame
Riss is single and has more than one flame
Both wonder if they're destined for fame

“We do what we want” you hear them cry
They love Kate Walsh and Lorelai
To have fun all they do is try

Even though they're now adults
They aren't crazy or in any cults
So don't try out any old lady insults

So what if they prefer staying in to going out?
Or they prefer milk and cookies to vodka and stout?
They can have a night in and smile, not pout.

They like to watch Walker, Rectangle Ranger
Rather than get in trouble with strangers
They remember the baby from the manger

They may have seemed like losers in their earlier years
They’ve been mocked by others and felt the sneers
In wittiness and charm they’ve now surpassed their peers

All dorkiness they learned how to reverse
They're snarky and funny and sometimes curse
Always with great outfits and a matching purse

Wherever they go they’re sure to be seen
They’re liked so much because they’re rarely mean
Others around them with envy are green

They both like shopping for clothes and shoes
They listen to good bands like Brand New and Muse
They both are Christians and not Jews

They’re known to woo waiters wherever they go
They try to avoid sledding in the snow
To peanut butter M&Ms they never say “no”

They like watching football on the couch
The Chiefs sometimes cause them to be a grouch
But for Tony G they'll always vouch

Talk to the hand

Dear Riss,

What makes you think I am going to help you come up with a new life adventure after you IGNORED my cry for help during the great eyebrow crisis of 2009?

Love,
Cate

There's always the military I guess...

Dear Cate,
I'm updating this instead of writing a 10 page paper for my Theories of Counseling class that's due Tuesday. Real heroes don't do their homework until the day before it is due. I'm a death defying dare devil. Alliteration.

I need your help. I have recently decided that I need a pretty big change in my life of some sort. All of my friends are doing crazy grown up things like getting married and having babies and stuff. I'm just a lame-o living in Gardner, working as an assistant, and going to school. I need a new adventure. This is where you come in. I'm going to need you to help me think of something that I could do that would be as cool as what all my friends are doing. Aside from meeting and marrying Demetri Martin or following Tony Gonzalez to Atlanta, I'm out of ideas.

Love,
Riss

Or I could just wear sunglasses all the time

Dear Riss,

I'm a little upset that you didn't go with one of my recommendations when getting a new job. But fine- "congratulations" anyway. Now that you've been working for a couple of weeks and we don't have to focus on that anymore- it's time for a more important subject. My eyebrows. I have never really been happy with my eyebrows, they are naturally so bushy and shapeless. I admit, I haven't been the best at upkeep- but it's like trying to wrangle two unruly feather dusters. What I'm trying to say here is that I'm thinking of doing an eyebrow makeover and I just want to confirm your buy-in. Do you think it's a good idea? Do you have any recommendations on style or shape? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Love,
Cate

Now You Listen to Love Today by Mika

Dear Cate,
Thank you so much for such wonderful encouragement and suggestions of possible new careers. I certainly will take each one into consideration.

Unemployment is actually kind of fun. I have more time to learn about fashion via my new favorite show, "What Not To Wear." I now know that an empire waist top or dress highlights the smallest part of your body while creating a longer leg line. It minimizes the belly because the fabric moves away from the body. I'm unstoppable now.

Sure, I've gotten so bored that I've resorted to spending at least 4 hours straight on this game and am checking my facebook 4-600 times a day, but that's fine. Really. Careers are just for people who can't think of anything better to do. As for me, I'm really enjoying the extra quality time I've gotten to spend with my couch. I've named him Samson the Sectional Sofa.

Also, those ladies on The View are a delight! They're all so sassy and have such interesting perspectives on current events. Ah, daytime television. It's like a hidden treasure amidst the airwaves.

So, don't worry about me. You may get to go to work every day and receive a paycheck, but I'm going to be current on every story in the Onion and will be able to quote every youtube video verbatim on command. Now you tell me who's the real loser here.

Love,
Riss

Please listen to "Still Fly" by Big Tymers

Dear Riss,

Don't worry about getting laid off, I've already picked out a few new career options for you.

1. Conservation Scientist:
Once called simply "forest rangers," these environmental jobs are among the nation's fastest growing because, as we discover, there's more to protecting our national wild lands than preventing forest fires. I immediately thought of you for this job because you always have loved camping and the outdoors and hate fire.
2. Cowpuncher:
You can herd, castrate and brand cattle. Then, when you get bored castrating cattle, you can repair fences, watering troughs and do other maintenance work on the ranch. You're such a natural with large farm animals, plus I think you'd look good in chaps.
3. Slubberdoffer:
These are people in the textile industry who remove bobbins on a slubbing machine. I knew you'd like this because you'll get to be around lots of white ribbon.
4. Navy Seal:
The United States Navy Sea, Air and Land Forces, commonly known as the Navy SEALs, are the Special Operations Forces of the United States Navy, employed in direct action and special reconnaissance operations. SEALs are also capable of employing unconventional warfare, foreign internal defense, and counter-terrorism missions. I picked this job because you like to say "WOOT".5. Barista:
A little less exciting than a Navy Seal maybe, but barista is the name applied to a person, usually a coffeehouse employee, who prepares and serves espresso-based coffee drinks. At the least, this could be a fun pastime while you perfect your "caffeine through IV" invention.
6. Clergy:
Clergy is the term used to describe the formal religious leadership within a given religion. Depending on the religion, clergy usually take care of the ritual aspects of the religious life, teach or otherwise help in spreading the religion's doctrine and practices. Since you've worked at Lutheran Valley Retreat- you're practically already clergy.
7. Satirical Greeting Card Writer:
Satirical greeting card writers are a special breed of author in the publishing industry. This profession requires keeping a close eye on the pulse of society through an understanding of current social themes and evolving trends. A successful writer is able to "get into the head" of people and convey feelings of mockery, insincerity, and disdain across every age group and gender. Since you do this already, there will hardly need to be any on the job training.
8. Hazwoper:
Hazwoper is an acronym for Hazardous Waste Operations and Emergency Response. Even a small spill can be dangerous. Fires, explosions, and contamination can result. Not only can you get certified online in only 40 hours, but this might help you face your fear of fire. 9. Phone psychic:
Psychics claim the ability to perceive information hidden from the normal scenes through what is described as extrasensory perception. The term psychic is also used to refer to theatrical performers who use techniques such as prestidigitation and cold reading to produce the appearance of such abilities. You love wearing gypsy type clothing don't you? And you're great at making stuff up. 10. Grammar Police:
The Grammer Police are people who believes proper grammar (and spelling) should be used by everyone whenever possible. They advocate linguistic clarity, will correct bad grammar and spelling, and flame the use of ridiculous, Chav, MSN inspired abbreviations such as 'wuu2'.They are not opponents of free speech, or 1337. They merely wish that the fundamentals of English are withheld. Marissa, I KNOW you would be accepted onto the squad and probably promoted to Chief within 2 months.

Love,
Cate

Just got paid, Friday night.

Dear Cate,
It's Friday. It's also payday. That means that I will have some variation of the same conversation with at least five to seven (sometimes even ten) of my coworkers. It goes something like this:

Random Coworker: Good Morning (this greeting can be changed to match the time of day, or simply be a hey/hello/hi there/greetings etc)
Me: Hey! How are you today? (or how's it going, etc)
Random Coworker: Great - it's Friday! (ready for the weekend, glad it's friday, etc)
Me: And a payday too, doesn't get much better!
Random Coworker: That's right!
Me: Well, have a good weekend
Random Coworker: You too!

Now, one would think that this was not necessarily a noteworthy conversation. I concur. Alone, it wouldn't be. However, something should be said about the fact that there are days when I have strikingly similar conversations with sometimes up to ten very different individuals EVERY FRIDAY. Does no one have anything original to say these days? Of course, only a Friday can inspire so many conversations. You don't ever hear anyone say "I'm so glad it's Tuesday!" Maybe I should start that.

Actually, I'd rather be very specific and obscure in my celebration of whatever day of the week it happens to be. That's why I like holidayinsights.com. This is what the rest of my Friday conversations will go like today:

Coworker: Happy Friday!
Me: Indeed, it is a happy day! In fact, today is Polar Bear Day. How will you be celebrating?
Coworker: excuse me?
Me: Yes, Polar Bear Day. I'm thinking that I'm going to stuff a bunch of pillows under my clothes so that I look bigger, and wear all white to match the great carnivorous creature.
Coworker: I don't think I understand
Me: That is too bad. I agree, Polar Bear Day has really become far too commercialized. It's really not just a Hallmark holiday you know. So, do you want to come over later and watch some Animal Planet? You can only work the remote with your left hand though - so as to reflect the great white fuzzy creatures' prominent side.
Coworker: I've got to go...
Me: Ok then! Happy Polar Bear Day! And, have a great Public Sleeping Day tomorrow and a Merry Peanut Butter Lovers' Day on Sunday!
Coworker: Right... later
Me: See you on Old Stuff Day!



Love,
Riss

Cha-Ching

Dear Riss,

I have good news: I am an adult. For a while, I was unsure of what really made you an official adult, but now I know. When I went off to college, I felt pretty independent, but really I was still a baby to the world. Then after I got a real job, I discovered I had a bunch of adult-like responsibilities but I was still able to have too much fun. I was almost positive that getting married would turn me into an adult, but it did nothing of the sort. Finally, years of curiosity and pseudo-adulthood are over. Mark your calendars, today, February 25, 2009, I became an adult. I successfully filed my taxes. The IRS has accepted me and my 1040. Not too long ago I didn't even know what a 1040 was. It's almost embarrassing.

To celebrate my successful first act of adulthood I first thought we could throw a party where everyone gets tied down in uncomfortable chairs and is forced to solve word problems and do mental math while listening to the on hold music of the IRS's 1-800 number. You know, to celebrate how much fun taxes are. But then I thought it would be a better idea if you just got me a trophy. I went ahead and did a quick sketch of what the trophy should probably look like.

I think you will agree that I should receive this trophy as soon as possible, in order to display so everyone else can do their taxes in defeat, knowing that have no chance of receiving the Best Taxes of 2008 Award and/or trophy. No sense in letting all the other adults get their hopes up.

Love,
Cate

Is this going to be forever?

Dear Cate,

I am spending my day in South Lobby exile/hell. I'm so very bored. Good news though, it looks like there are finally some signs of life. A man with hair to his shoulders and another guy with a really creepy mustache just passed by. Phew, I was beginning to think I had accidentally ended up in an alternate universe.


In regards to our dessert last night, the picture actually turned out fairly well. The waiter, who's name I can't remember because it wasn't Tommy, should be proud of his artwork. I am pretty sure he was proud because when we paid he asked us if we noticed the smiley face. Even though he almost caused a scene when he brought us the bill before we were able to order dessert, I was still impressed with his skills - pictured below.




Wow. Just looking at that picture gives me the urge to go to Granite City and order more of the apple pie deliciousness that was that dessert. It's too bad that our waiter who wasn't Tommy couldn't do that swirly plate trick like his roommate who works behind the bar can do.


I currently don't have any big plans for the weekend. It's a shame, too, because I really don't think a dress this purple and fantastic should go to waste on just a day in the lobby. Is it really only 2pm? 3 more hours? Really? NOOOOO!!!! Why is this happening to me?


We should definitely go to that shark/dolphin/whale exhibit/movie thing you mentioned. I don't remember what it was, even though I just read about it a moment ago. I've had so much coffee that I'm confused about what is real and what is not right now. I do remember that one time I watched a made-for-disney channel movie that was about dolphins, and it was pretty good. Of course, by "pretty good" I mean "the cheesiest most ridiculous thing I'd ever seen up until that point." I think it was called "Ring of Endless Light" or something over the top like that.


I know what we can do. Let's rent "High School Musical 3: Senior Year." We can make a drinking game out of it like we did that one time. Felt posters optional.

Love,
Riss

Did that picture turn out on your camera phone?

Dear Riss,

Dinner was great last night even though our waiter brought us our ticket before we had a chance to order dessert and then put a caramel smiley face in our ice cream as if to try and make up for it, but only digging the wound deeper into our souls. I had a good time with you though and on our accidental shopping trip afterward. I need to thank you for talking me into buying those brown leather pumps. Looking back, it was the right thing to do. I just didn't see it at the time. Even though it's Friday, I'm planning on staying home and staring lovingly at my shoes all night. I literally can't think of anything else I'd rather do which may be an early warning sign of a chemical dependency on the smell of new leather shoes but I'm too blithe to care. What are your plans this weekend? Would you like to go see "Dolphins and Whales 3D" at the Union Station City Extreme Screen?

Love,
Cate

Cheesy Beer-y Goodness

Dear Cate,

I'm so ready for our dinner date tonight at the land of good company and attractive waiters that many people call "Granite City." I look forward to spending time with you, but to be honest, I'm probably most excited about the Cheddar Ale Soup. There's a good chance that I will eat 30-50 bowls of it and they will finally ask me to leave because they ran out of their magical beer-y cheesy goodness. At this point, a riot will ensue because I will have deprived countless others of their inalienable right to partake of delicious soup. I may throw a few chairs and roundhouse kick a few of the cooks and servers in the crotch. They'll call the cops and there will certainly be some sort of stand off. Hopefully, it will all be resolved with a "to go" bowl of Cheddar Ale Soup (for the road) and I will be on my way. What's more likely to happen, however, is that I will need to be shot with several tranquilizer darts before the S.W.A.T. team is able to approach me to cuff me and lock me up. I'll spend the night in jail, and probably be charged with felony assault and destruction of property. Don't worry though. I'm sure my lawyer can get me a plea bargain. I'll have to pay some restitution and do some community service, but it will just be a slap on the wrist really. I'll make a public apology, and chalk it up to the folly of youth, but really - I'll be counting down to the next time that I get to indulge myself in magic cheddar ale wonder. Obviously, not at the Olathe Granite City location becuase they will have gotten a restraining order against me. However, we could probably get in still at the Zona Rosa Granite City, and I'll do my best to eat the soup in moderation.

See you soon!

Riss