But really you look fine.

Dear Best Friend,

You are so right. I abandoned you in your time of need, after you were so wonderful to me in finding a career.

So, in an attempt to make up for it, I have a variety of eyebrow styles available for you to peruse. Now you can choose the one that is right for you and groom accordingly!

First, a look to prepare you for the red carpet. I chose this because of your background in television fame at Kearney High School. I call it "The Bratz Doll"


Next, may I present to you "The Wooly Willy." This eyebrow set is most complete with a mustache, but I think you can pull it off. It's named after that magnetic drawing toy that they had when we were kids. Remember? The one where you could give facial hair to the bald man using a magnet pen? That was a good time.



If you're looking for more respect at work, then this next eyebrow set is for you. Check out "The Silver Fox." No one would dare question you about your Corporate Challenge planning techniques when you have eyebrows like these.


If you're looking for a lower grooming and maintenance plan, allow me to introduce you to the "Paint By Number" look. In this look, you simply remove that pesky hair and use provided stencils to perfect your brows! And, by what I see here, there's a whole makeup kit!


Of course, the least maintenance at all title belongs to "Au Naturale." This is for the full flavor lady who wants to just be herself.



And finally, for a surprising look that will definitely stand out in the crowd, try "Naked Face." Hair is for people who aren't pretty enough without it.



So there. I've helped you with your eyebrow crisis. Please be my friend again. And help me with my need for adventure.

Love,
Riss

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Gather ‘round and don’t be late
To hear all about Riss & Cate
Their story is quite first rate.

Two young women who are very pretty
College made them smart and witty
But they've moved back home to Kansas City

Each to the friendship brings her own skills
Cate saves her money to pay the bills
And Riss bakes cookies to give men thrills

Cate is married so her life is tame
Riss is single and has more than one flame
Both wonder if they're destined for fame

“We do what we want” you hear them cry
They love Kate Walsh and Lorelai
To have fun all they do is try

Even though they're now adults
They aren't crazy or in any cults
So don't try out any old lady insults

So what if they prefer staying in to going out?
Or they prefer milk and cookies to vodka and stout?
They can have a night in and smile, not pout.

They like to watch Walker, Rectangle Ranger
Rather than get in trouble with strangers
They remember the baby from the manger

They may have seemed like losers in their earlier years
They’ve been mocked by others and felt the sneers
In wittiness and charm they’ve now surpassed their peers

All dorkiness they learned how to reverse
They're snarky and funny and sometimes curse
Always with great outfits and a matching purse

Wherever they go they’re sure to be seen
They’re liked so much because they’re rarely mean
Others around them with envy are green

They both like shopping for clothes and shoes
They listen to good bands like Brand New and Muse
They both are Christians and not Jews

They’re known to woo waiters wherever they go
They try to avoid sledding in the snow
To peanut butter M&Ms they never say “no”

They like watching football on the couch
The Chiefs sometimes cause them to be a grouch
But for Tony G they'll always vouch

Talk to the hand

Dear Riss,

What makes you think I am going to help you come up with a new life adventure after you IGNORED my cry for help during the great eyebrow crisis of 2009?

Love,
Cate

There's always the military I guess...

Dear Cate,
I'm updating this instead of writing a 10 page paper for my Theories of Counseling class that's due Tuesday. Real heroes don't do their homework until the day before it is due. I'm a death defying dare devil. Alliteration.

I need your help. I have recently decided that I need a pretty big change in my life of some sort. All of my friends are doing crazy grown up things like getting married and having babies and stuff. I'm just a lame-o living in Gardner, working as an assistant, and going to school. I need a new adventure. This is where you come in. I'm going to need you to help me think of something that I could do that would be as cool as what all my friends are doing. Aside from meeting and marrying Demetri Martin or following Tony Gonzalez to Atlanta, I'm out of ideas.

Love,
Riss

Or I could just wear sunglasses all the time

Dear Riss,

I'm a little upset that you didn't go with one of my recommendations when getting a new job. But fine- "congratulations" anyway. Now that you've been working for a couple of weeks and we don't have to focus on that anymore- it's time for a more important subject. My eyebrows. I have never really been happy with my eyebrows, they are naturally so bushy and shapeless. I admit, I haven't been the best at upkeep- but it's like trying to wrangle two unruly feather dusters. What I'm trying to say here is that I'm thinking of doing an eyebrow makeover and I just want to confirm your buy-in. Do you think it's a good idea? Do you have any recommendations on style or shape? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Love,
Cate

Now You Listen to Love Today by Mika

Dear Cate,
Thank you so much for such wonderful encouragement and suggestions of possible new careers. I certainly will take each one into consideration.

Unemployment is actually kind of fun. I have more time to learn about fashion via my new favorite show, "What Not To Wear." I now know that an empire waist top or dress highlights the smallest part of your body while creating a longer leg line. It minimizes the belly because the fabric moves away from the body. I'm unstoppable now.

Sure, I've gotten so bored that I've resorted to spending at least 4 hours straight on this game and am checking my facebook 4-600 times a day, but that's fine. Really. Careers are just for people who can't think of anything better to do. As for me, I'm really enjoying the extra quality time I've gotten to spend with my couch. I've named him Samson the Sectional Sofa.

Also, those ladies on The View are a delight! They're all so sassy and have such interesting perspectives on current events. Ah, daytime television. It's like a hidden treasure amidst the airwaves.

So, don't worry about me. You may get to go to work every day and receive a paycheck, but I'm going to be current on every story in the Onion and will be able to quote every youtube video verbatim on command. Now you tell me who's the real loser here.

Love,
Riss

Please listen to "Still Fly" by Big Tymers

Dear Riss,

Don't worry about getting laid off, I've already picked out a few new career options for you.

1. Conservation Scientist:
Once called simply "forest rangers," these environmental jobs are among the nation's fastest growing because, as we discover, there's more to protecting our national wild lands than preventing forest fires. I immediately thought of you for this job because you always have loved camping and the outdoors and hate fire.
2. Cowpuncher:
You can herd, castrate and brand cattle. Then, when you get bored castrating cattle, you can repair fences, watering troughs and do other maintenance work on the ranch. You're such a natural with large farm animals, plus I think you'd look good in chaps.
3. Slubberdoffer:
These are people in the textile industry who remove bobbins on a slubbing machine. I knew you'd like this because you'll get to be around lots of white ribbon.
4. Navy Seal:
The United States Navy Sea, Air and Land Forces, commonly known as the Navy SEALs, are the Special Operations Forces of the United States Navy, employed in direct action and special reconnaissance operations. SEALs are also capable of employing unconventional warfare, foreign internal defense, and counter-terrorism missions. I picked this job because you like to say "WOOT".5. Barista:
A little less exciting than a Navy Seal maybe, but barista is the name applied to a person, usually a coffeehouse employee, who prepares and serves espresso-based coffee drinks. At the least, this could be a fun pastime while you perfect your "caffeine through IV" invention.
6. Clergy:
Clergy is the term used to describe the formal religious leadership within a given religion. Depending on the religion, clergy usually take care of the ritual aspects of the religious life, teach or otherwise help in spreading the religion's doctrine and practices. Since you've worked at Lutheran Valley Retreat- you're practically already clergy.
7. Satirical Greeting Card Writer:
Satirical greeting card writers are a special breed of author in the publishing industry. This profession requires keeping a close eye on the pulse of society through an understanding of current social themes and evolving trends. A successful writer is able to "get into the head" of people and convey feelings of mockery, insincerity, and disdain across every age group and gender. Since you do this already, there will hardly need to be any on the job training.
8. Hazwoper:
Hazwoper is an acronym for Hazardous Waste Operations and Emergency Response. Even a small spill can be dangerous. Fires, explosions, and contamination can result. Not only can you get certified online in only 40 hours, but this might help you face your fear of fire. 9. Phone psychic:
Psychics claim the ability to perceive information hidden from the normal scenes through what is described as extrasensory perception. The term psychic is also used to refer to theatrical performers who use techniques such as prestidigitation and cold reading to produce the appearance of such abilities. You love wearing gypsy type clothing don't you? And you're great at making stuff up. 10. Grammar Police:
The Grammer Police are people who believes proper grammar (and spelling) should be used by everyone whenever possible. They advocate linguistic clarity, will correct bad grammar and spelling, and flame the use of ridiculous, Chav, MSN inspired abbreviations such as 'wuu2'.They are not opponents of free speech, or 1337. They merely wish that the fundamentals of English are withheld. Marissa, I KNOW you would be accepted onto the squad and probably promoted to Chief within 2 months.

Love,
Cate